Bullying Begins At Home

Last year, I tossed my name into the ring for our local school board election and won a seat.

Our school district is K-8, so if we stay in this house for the duration, I'll have had at least one kid attending school in this district for 13 consecutive years when all is said and done.  That's certainly long enough for it to matter to me how things are being run overall, but I would be lying if I said that my decision to run wasn't in part because of Thing Two and his special needs.  Not that I am looking out for him as an individual so much, but more for his (very expensive) end of the academic spectrum in this era of budget cuts.  Though from a purely selfish standpoint, I figure that it can't possibly hurt him if the powers that be know that his mother is both a very involved parent and on the school board (i.e., not one likely to sit idly by if he is not getting the therapy and aide attention that his school case manager and doctors have determined that he needs.)  If I have learned anything through this long and involved special education process, I have learned to be the squeaky wheel on behalf of my son.  Although not ordinarily an in-your-face type of person, I have squeaked loud and long out of love for this child.  

One of my big fears is that budget cuts, aide distraction, etc will result in him not getting the help he needs through the school.  The other one, though, the one that keeps me up at night, is the fear that he will be bullied because of his otherness.  The single most important reason that I put my name on the ballot for this job (and it is a tedious and thankless job in many respects, as important as it is) was that I wanted to have a real, meaningful voice in the bullying policy at this school.

Not that the school has any unusual bullying issues, let me say upfront.  Compared to most in the area and certainly in the state, the problem we have with it is relatively minor.  My concern is that if any child ever had a metaphorical sign on him that said "I am a target," it is Thing Two.  I find it highly ironic that so far, Thing One, the golden child, is the only one who has had any trouble with other kids, and that has been dealt with (but this is why the kids and I originally started in the taekwondo program, incidentally.)

Thinking about this because a big chunk of Tuesday night's Board of Ed meeting related to our district bullying policy, which is largely mandated by the state.  A child who felt that he was being harassed and bullied actually left the district over the summer and is at a private school this year.  In general, part of the problem with the term "bullying" from an administrative standpoint is that it is defined by the state, and in a lot of instances, what mean kids do to other kids does not rise to the official definition of bullying, so the state-mandated consequences don't come into play.  When that is the case, incidents become simpler (bureaucratically speaking) code of conduct violations and are addressed through the normal disciplinary channels.

What really pisses me off is that the school in many of these cases (this is just my opinion, of course) is being forced to take on the parental role.  It seems insane to me that we as a district would have to be the ones explaining that it is not ok to pick on kids that are different or be rude to teachers or swear in class or write on bathroom walls or push people or take their school supplies.  Where in the hell are their parents??  And then, after the school district gets a report and deals with the situation either through the bullying track or the code of conduct track, why are these parents saying "Not MY little angel..." instead of actually implementing consequences at home for bad conduct at school??  Yes, this is a soapbox of mine, but it makes me nuts.  All the school and state rules in the world aren't going to be worth a damn if parents don't take the time to teach their children not to be mean to other kids and to have empathy for those who are different. And it makes me even more insane that I have taught my children to be kind, so they don't always have the words to deflate bullies when they encounter them.

A friend had the same issue a couple of years ago.  She has daughters the same ages as my sons, and is very much of the same parenting philosophy as mine (i.e., you had better be nice to the other kids at school and behave yourself there because there will be consequences both at school and at home if you don't.)   Her older daughter was being picked on by the mean girls because she refused to join in with them as they were cruel to other girls in the class.  Think about that one for a minute.  To her credit, she stood her ground.

As an adult looking on, it was easy to see the insecurities that were feeding the particular bullies in that case.  If my friend had been willing to teach her daughter to tell the one girl that she was just acting out because she's fat and doesn't like herself and the other that she's mean because her dad has a low-income job and she is self-conscious about it, those girls would have shriveled up and collapsed like day-old balloons.  But is it right to teach your young child how to seek out the weak points of others and use them to be cruel?  My friend didn't think so, and neither do I.  But damned if I don't want to sometimes, just to shut these miserable brats up and give them a taste of their own medicine.

And I want to bitch-slap some of their parents for not giving a damn what their kids do in school, and for not teaching them right from wrong.  I know I sound geriatric, but I don't care.  It's the truth.  Bullying and unkindness in school have their roots at home, with what parents teach their children or don't teach them.  All the state and district laws in the world can't change that, and are essentially a band-aid on a gunshot wound.

It's just time for some parents to sack the hell up and stop expecting the school to parent for them.

*climbs off soapbox*